The paper asshole. It’s one of nature’s most secretive and seductive traits. Nobody wants one, but somebody’s gotta have one. Thankfully for you, that person is me.
“You talk like a man with a paper asshole”, I’ve heard it a hundred times. For years I wasn’t sure what it meant. I wondered if I was being insulted or complimented, but never once did I take it literally. Boy, was that a mistake.
Not understanding was hard for me. I was confused, and to be honest, a little scared. Even though I never thought, “I literally have an asshole made out of paper”, it was there in the back on my mind.
I think I was bouncing around somewhere in my mid-20’s before I realized “that’s what that is”. It was one of those “a-ha” moments in life where things seemed to make more sense.
I have a paper asshole and I’m OK with that. What I really want to know though, is how in the hell can a person tell just by the way I talk? There are a lot of things you can tell about a person by their speech; the inflections, vocabulary, dialect. But, to identify the type of asshole someone has by listening to them speak, now that is a true gift.
Maybe I’m giving others too much credit. Maybe I just exude paper asshole when I open my mouth. Maybe people have to leave the room because my paper asshole is offensive. Maybe it isn’t even my words, maybe there is a smell. Maybe I smell like construction paper or something. Gosh, this could be worse than I ever imagined. Though, if I smelled like a paper asshole, wouldn’t people tell me “you smell like a paper asshole”?
Well, whatever the case, I’ve got one. I’m sure there are more than a few of you out there wondering what it means or how it works. Well, the next time you see me, ask me to show you. It is fairly complicated and I just don’t think I can do it justice in written form. Just don’t tell me I talk like a man with a paper asshole, I already know this.
