Category: Drivel
Categories
A Beard Regrown
Prickly, rough and stubbly… bushy, long and thick. A beard regrown is the satisfaction of being a man. The satisfaction of being a complete man. A man and his beard are never to be crossed. The beard regrown, pure satisfaction. Hairy bliss. Wrapped tight, comforting the face that provides it life. The symbiotic relationship in its purest form. I’ll take care of you, beard… and you shall take care of me.
Categories
A Beard Lost
A beard lost is another beard grown. For he who has shaven thy beard shall be blessed with another, and another beard there shall be. A man without a beard cannot be called a man, and a beard without a man is only a pile of hair. Now go and grow, make your face proud. Proud to wear, proud to be worn.
Categories
You Talk Like A Man With A Paper Asshole
The paper asshole. It’s one of nature’s most secretive and seductive traits. Nobody wants one, but somebody’s gotta have one. Thankfully for you, that person is me.
“You talk like a man with a paper asshole”, I’ve heard it a hundred times. For years I wasn’t sure what it meant. I wondered if I was being insulted or complimented, but never once did I take it literally. Boy, was that a mistake.
Not understanding was hard for me. I was confused, and to be honest, a little scared. Even though I never thought, “I literally have an asshole made out of paper”, it was there in the back on my mind.
I think I was bouncing around somewhere in my mid-20’s before I realized “that’s what that is”. It was one of those “a-ha” moments in life where things seemed to make more sense.
I have a paper asshole and I’m OK with that. What I really want to know though, is how in the hell can a person tell just by the way I talk? There are a lot of things you can tell about a person by their speech; the inflections, vocabulary, dialect. But, to identify the type of asshole someone has by listening to them speak, now that is a true gift.
Maybe I’m giving others too much credit. Maybe I just exude paper asshole when I open my mouth. Maybe people have to leave the room because my paper asshole is offensive. Maybe it isn’t even my words, maybe there is a smell. Maybe I smell like construction paper or something. Gosh, this could be worse than I ever imagined. Though, if I smelled like a paper asshole, wouldn’t people tell me “you smell like a paper asshole”?
Well, whatever the case, I’ve got one. I’m sure there are more than a few of you out there wondering what it means or how it works. Well, the next time you see me, ask me to show you. It is fairly complicated and I just don’t think I can do it justice in written form. Just don’t tell me I talk like a man with a paper asshole, I already know this.